It is very weird to be like this.

All my life, all I’ve worked to do is to being accepted in every conversation, every events, and being the different but beautiful way. Or maybe I went to wrong direction.

I don’t know about this, but I had a feeling that my life couldn’t be big enough like what I had in my vision if I fight all of these things that bring me down. Since I was a kid, my mind had travelled around the world but hating the ground I step in. The question appeared in front of me, “how do you get to the sky when you don’t know how to walk on the ground?”. Then I stopped, I was humiliated by that question no one’s asking me but myself. I’ve been hating the idea of my real identity. Or should I say, real me. I was having a hard time to accepting myself to the fullest. Although, my acceptance is still on progress, but it’s better than not loving yourself in your life, right?

Suprisingly, after high school ends, I have plenty of time for myself alone. I thought after graduating high school, I’ll be an independent person and not attached to my parents or anything. But in this case, I was wrong. My mom said that I’m not ready to face the evil world yet, so she set me on boundaries. And I said, “Good, boundaries are nice but how about growth?”. She explained it her own way that growth is important for this side of the road. A specific side of the road. She mentioned that if I do go past all the roads, I’ll be insufferable. More climactic, more dangerous. “The world is already dangerous, why do you want to apply yourself to it? It’s like falling on a volcano while it still erupted”. I stepped back and try to think hard why do I have to change when all of these could be me?

I thought the idea of having a life in London, not for college, but for a life. I thought the idea of having a life on the nearest star, though I doubt it will be harder than I imagine it to be. I thought the idea to have a perfect family, even though I was the one who vowed that I’m not deserved to be loved by someone’s good son. I thought the idea of having a perfect life under the thunder and storm while it’s the one I’ve been living by now.

My feelings crashed all at once, I don’t know if I had to cry, or sleep, or being delusional as if nothing happen. My life has never worth the risk. I was created by the influence of people around me. They could engage me, they could assault me, they could say whatever the fuck they want to shape my identity. And yes, my life is all of my experience of what people had said about me, or even just advise me. The output is now that girl who said she will never get to anything big, never meant to be loved, and will be always until her death be the same as she was at 9 years old. She will never change. And that’s killing her slowly from the inside. But that’s life, isn’t it?